My insanity

RANT :
Insanity

I talk to myself. I wander the echoing hallways of my mind; which looks like a moving, echoing, vast, Heironymous Bosch painting.  I create people to talk to in order to tell myself things i don't want to hear, or that i need to hear; i invent sublte variations of myself who take liberty to shapeshift into other people in order to make a point. I will avoid talking to all my freinds and then talk to a mirror for half an hour.  I usually do not notice when i start doing this but can usually stop when i want to. As long as i distract myself; otherwise i will go right back to my schizophrenic conversations.  I can also propel myself into detailed, vivid imaginary scenarios --- they don't even have to look like real life --- at the blink of an eye, if im in the right mood.  

I can read people like an open book. I can talk to someone for 10 minutes; and with most people i can tell you what kind of person they are; what mental disorders they have, if any, what their worst fears are, what they are ignorant about, what they know and don't know, what they hate, what would throw them into a panic...
(mind you the rare person i can't read is quite fascinating to me)
I like to mindfuck with people. I never lie to them about each other. But i like to take their presumptions, their lazy beliefs, their phobias, and freak them out or make them act in ways that are amusing to me.  I will make a homophobic person think that i'm a) gay and b) hitting on them; simply to make fun of their beleifs for my own private amusement. Since I'm doing it at my own expense, i don't consider that wrong.  I will make overconfident loudmouths think im a serial killer. I will make helpful customer service people think I'm retarded. i will make girls think im a desperate and loneley person only looking for sex, which is hilarious to me precisely because it is true of the majority of guys they will interact with.   Most people feel uncomfortable being caught looking at someone; once i got over my childhood autism or whatever the fuck it was; i developed the habit of burning holes through people with my eyes xD

The odd thing is (it will seem odder after i make my next point) is that i am also highly empathetic and really care about the few people i am close to; more so than most people i know. I do not care about many people, and i do not care for people out of obligation to do so (e.g. being related to me) but the ones i do care about, i care about a LOT.  Some people I value much more than i value myself.

Consider, then, that i fantasize regularly about killing people. When I'm in one of my weird moods i will sit on the bus with all my co-workers, look around at them, and quietly giggle to myself at the thought of killing them. Feeling little bursts of happiness as i imagine leaping over my seat, stabbing them, feeling their bodies twist, the hot blood splattering on my face.... yeah.  When people bully me, its uncommon for me NOT to have homicidial dreams about them in which i imagine extremely vivid and detailed scenarios that end in me killing them.   And yet i would never really hurt someone much weaker than me; or hurt anyone in my normal state of mind.
I feel conflicted whenever I'm physically assaulted. Part of me wants to kill them. The other part of me is terrified of that part and would rather be hurt than let the other side loose.  
I never really learned how to vent my emotions. All my life i've had it beaten into me -- literally -- to keep EVERYTHING inside. Hidden. No outward emotion. No loss of self control whatsoever. Or things would become much worse.
When someone beats me up; i usually want to kill them. And i can't relax. Can't make the built up tension go away. So i take a knife, and cut myself. The pain, the act of controlled self-harm, the release of blood, lets all that escape my body. (YES I'VE TRIED DEEP BREATHING.)
You want to know why i fucking cut? Thats why. I cut so that i don't destroy my life and my relationships and hurt people i care about. I cut because its my skin or your skin. ...Well, thats one reason. I also do it for any extreme build up of stress and / or self-hatred / or guilt.  And to feel like the world is real when i lose touch.
And that might also have something to do with why i dont give a fuck about most people.  Relationships cost. No relationship is ever without pain, no relationship is ever without betrayal. If im gonna be your freind you better be fucking worth the hassle.


I used to be -- for lack of a better word -- autistic.
I could not communicate with anybody. Literally. I had trouble controlling my stream of conciousness, and i couldn't seem to talk very well (aside from having a huge vocabulary, but i didn't know how to use it) .  When i talked to my parents, i could only communicate the most basic ideas. Often after several attempts.  With strangers, i was extremely, painfully shy. I was trapped inside my own head. I'm not being melodramatic when i say i had no freinds. There was no Internet growing up; any kids my age were tourists who stayed a week and vanished forever; the adults were all telling me that the other adults were bad. I trusted only my parents.  I never went outside farther than the yard without my mom or dad with me.
This lasted until i was 16 years old.  
Oddly enough when i broke out of my shell, i was not phased by any of the cruelty or assholery the world is full of. Probably because by that time my mom and I genuinely hated each other. She was a very insecure women dealing with a lot of shit;  and our relationship got pretty toxic. She told me on a regular basis that i was lower than shit, that she hated my guts; confined me to the closet as punishment for giving her dirty looks; ect. ect. ect.  almost ran away from home at 14 ect drama drama drama childhood abuse story sympathy whine ect.  I could fill books with stories about me and my mom but that'll do.
So i was pretty much prepared for all the shit in the world.  No one. Has ever come even close to hurting me as much as she did...at least, when they're trying to. In fact, getting mad at me generally makes me feel more confident about being a dick to you.

Another thing thats fucked up about me: I do not feel fear. I feel some instinctive reactionary fear to pain, of course; but danger of death or betrayal or loss does not make me afraid. At all. I get startled. I avoid unneccesary pain in large amounts. But i do not feel afraid of death, danger, loss, being betrayed, ect. Its not there.  I used to feel fear. Then i went through this weird semi-suicidal period and have not felt fear since.
Nor do i feel jealousy. I have never once looked at someone else and felt angry or depressed that they had more than me or had something i wanted.  I don't really understand jealousy in fact its one of my weak points when im reading people.

Sometimes in fact i go completely blank of all emotions. I do not feel anything. Not sorrow. Not happiness. Not excitement. Not calm. Not anger. Not fear. Not even pain.  Usually this only lasts short periods of time, and i break out of it by cutting myself or doing something that requires a lot of physical exertion, or sleeping...but its freaky. At the same time, its useful. I can make it happen. I can make myself feel nothing. It doesn't work right away, and usually only works when i NEED it to, as in when theres a very stressful situation, but i can make myself go to that blank state.

What else?
I have obsessive-compulsive disorder.
I am demonstrably smarter than most people---and beleive me, i do not say this out of arrogance. I wish i was. I'd have more freinds if there were more smart, critically thinking people.
Edit: Apparently something i always thought was normal is an unusual mental condition xD apparently it's not normal to perceive sounds simultaneously as sounds and colours and patterns; its considered a mental illness called synesthesia xD personally i think its a gift
I almost forgot to mention my " depression " xD ... To be honest, i am a pretty textbook depression case. Boredom always leads to feeling depressed. I get so i have no energy, no inspiration or motivation to do anything at all; all i want to do is escape but sometimes even my escape door is broken or i have to use those mental energies to do normal life things.  I don't care about anything when i'm like this.  Everything seems like shit.
There's just one thing that messes that up: Depressed people aren't usually able to turn their emotions off. Depressed people buy drugs that make them feel emotionally blank.
So?

Am i insane?